Best Brownies Ever


Everytime I bake brownies I can’t help but reminisce on my friend, Pam’s, Bachelorette Party. Last July my fellow bridesmaids and I decided to throw her one last fling before the ring. The celebration was to be held in Atlantic City and consist of typical Bachelorette Party activities- pregaming in a hotel room, a nice dinner out, hopping bar to bar, some more shenanigans that are not appropriate to be mentioned on this blog, and finally, crashing on a sea of air mattresses back in said hotel room. The party was to be complete with parafanalia resembling male genitalia, donning the bride with sashes and tiaras and, in general, lots and lots of the color pink. Beforehand, we planned for each bridesmaid to be responsible for one aspect of the party- one girl booked the room, one girl bought the decorations, one girl was in charge of escorting Pam there, ect. I, of course, volunteered to supply the hotel room with snacks, you know juuuust in case anyone happened to be drinking a little too much. So, the day of the celebration I stocked up on some junk food, baked off a tray of brownies, drove into Atlantic City, and parked my truck on the umpteenth floor of Tropicana’s garage. I made my way to the elevators with loads of stuff in tow, in one hand balancing the brownies that were in an aluminum tray covered with tin foil. As I was attempting to elbow the elevator call button, Ding! … A man wearing a fedora and an underdressed girl on each arm steps off the elevator on the far side of the platform… The elevator doors slam shut behind them. Thanks, Mister.

He notices me shuffling all my bags and remarks, in a New York accent, “Hey, whatta ya got in that tray, Brownies?”

I hesitate, “Actually, it is brownies.”

He asks, “Are they just regular brownies?”

I think to myself- Really asshole… Do I look like the type of girl who would be pedalling Hash through a casino parking garage?

Instead, I politely reply: “Yep, just regular old brownies.”

I anxiously press the button again for the elevator, this time triple tapping it.

He asks, “Can I buy them from you?”

Avoiding eye contact, I say, “No, sorry, they’re for a party.”

Him, “Come on, I wanna buy ’em.”

Me, “Sorry, but no…. You wouldn’t want them anyway. I made them with a cheap box mix”

Him, “I don’t care. Really, I’ll pay you for them.”

Me, “Sorry, I can’t sell them.”

I press the button for the elevator a third time and impatiently glance at the ascending floor numbers flashing above.

He persists, “How much do you want for ’em?”

Finally, I turn to him and sternly state, “Look, these brownies are for my friend’s Bachelorette Party… They’re NOT for sale!”

The elevator finally arrives. I board it and become face to face with the man as the doors begin to close. He wedges his foot in between and the doors rebound back open. Staring at me with his head cocked, he reaches into his jacket pocket, pulls out a rather large billfold, licks his finger, and puts forth a crisp, clean Fifty Dollar Bill.

I reconsider, “You know what, Pam won’t even miss them! Enjoy!!”

Off he went with his tray of brownies. Down I went in my elevator.

My first thought was $50 on Red? Or Black? My second thought- it dawned on me- OMG!!!! The look on that schmucks face when he pulls back the foil covering and sees the lifesize buttercream penis piped on top of all that chocolate.


1 box brownie mix, prepared to package directions

1 pkg regular Oreo cookies

1 c. butter, softened

1 c. sugar

1/2 c. brown sugar

1 t. vanilla

1 egg

1/4 t. salt

1/2 t. baking soda

2 1/2 c. flour

2 c. chocolate chips

Using a stand mixer or electric mixers, cream together sugar and butter. Add egg and vanilla. In a separate bowl mix together salt, baking soda, and flour. Add the dry ingredients to the wet ingredients and mix til well combine. Stir in chocolate chips by hand. Using your hands, press the cookie dough evenly into the bottom of a greased 13×9 pan. Take the whole Oreos and place them on top of the cookie dough, arranging them 4 down and 6 across. Prepare the brownie batter to package directions. Pour it overtop of the the Oroeos. Use a spatula to even out the batter being careful not to move the oreos around too much. Bake at 350 for about 40 minutes, maybe longer. Check with a toothpick coming out clean. Let cool before cutting up.

brownies assembled