So yesterday, while I was roasting pumpkin seeds, I received a phone call from my Mom…

Me: Hello?

My Mom: Hey… what are you up to?

Me: Not much, what about you?

My Mom: Ohhhh nothing…. I have a question for you, Lunesta is a sleeping pill right?

Me: Yeah

My Mom : Do you think if it expired 4 years ago it would lose potentcy?

Me: I dont know. Why?

My Mom: Welllll… I fed 9 of them to the cat with her breakfast yesterday morning and today she’s still alive.

Me: YOU FED LUNESTA TO THE CAT??!

Now before you go speed dialing the ASPCA, listen to our dilemna. When I was 9 years old and my brother and sister were 7, our cousin’s cat birthed a litter of kittens. We begged our parents to let us have one and, on a whim, they gave in. We welcomed an adorable little grey and white furball into our home with open arms. However, an hour after doing so we realized this cute kitten was actually a vicious animal that wanted nothing to do with people. She hissed at us, clawed at us, and hated us no matter how hard we tried to console her. She had the temperament of the devil. Finally, my dad gave the executive order that the cat had to go live outside in the barn. It was there, in exile, that she lived a long happy life. She spent her days binge-eating mice, lounging out in the middle of the horse corral, and doing what she loved most- being away from humans. Now the cat is 19 years old- she is OLD, grey, scrawny, blind, deaf, senile, and meows an awful, painful, nails-on-a-chalkboard sound all day, everyday. BUT- she will not die. She has outlived her nine lives, by far. I, myself, have witnessed this cat fall out of a hayloft. I’ve seen her chomped on by the jaws of a 1/2 ton horse.  I’ve watched her escape the combination of a front tire and Jimmy’s road rage. She’s had 2 brawls with my 95 lb Chesapeake Bay Retriever (yes, it’s pathetic, Tide got his ass whooped by a cat.) She’s survived living amongst coyotes and raccoons and other creatures of the night. She has withstanded the elements of heat waves and blizzards and Hurricane Sandy. And now, apparently, she is unaffected by cat food laced with 9 Lunestas.

The problem is she is miserable and it’s her time to go, to pass on, to take the journey to the other side- but my dad doesn’t have the heart to shoot her and my mom is afraid of reliving the experience of transporting her in the car to the Vet. When she was a few months old we took her to get spayed and she went spastic, clawed her way out of the cat carrier, shredded the car’s upholstery and urinated from bumper to bumper.

Does anyone have a humane home remedy for cat euthanasia?

Recipe

Seeds pulled from the inside of a pumpkin or other squash

Olive Oil

Old Bay Seasoning

1 clove of garlic, minced

On a baking sheet toss the seeds with the garlic and enough olive oil to lightly coat them. Bake at 350 for about 25 minutes. Season with Old Bay, to taste.