I just watched The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show off my DVR. I’m sure to record it every year because, believe it or not, Tide’s family enters! Last year, his dad was shown and this year, his half-brother and sister. Yep, I bet you would have never thought that river rat of mine comes from champion blood lines.

Anyway, I love watching all the pretty, pruned pooches prance around the show room floor. They’re all so fluffed and puffed and overly groomed. A grand introduction is given to each dog before it is gracefully escorted around the ring by handlers wearing the most elegant clothing. It puts me in the dog-loving spirit. Last year, I watched and got this crazy ambition to adopt a Newfoundland. This year, I watched and got the crazy ambition to turn Tidey into a WKC show dog. I was serious about it for 2 minutes. Then, I envisioned myself driving to New York City with him in the bed of my truck. We’d get lost 57 times looking for Madison Square Garden. I’d throw a fit about how much I despise cities. Meanwhile, Tide would take up the opportunity to scavenge sewer drains for rats and waste from sidewalk food vendors. Eventually, we’d arrive at the show and I’d bribe the registrar with baked goods to accept us as a late entry. Next, they would ask for his papers and qualifications. I would explain how he ate his papers as a devilish young puppy. As far as qualifications, he would demonstrate all of his tricks on command, including his backflip tennis ball catch, for which they would have to make an exception. Then, we’d be off to the judging. The judges would take one look at us… Him, over-standard weight, over-standard height, no testicles, remnants of low tide lingering on his coat, breath smelling like a mix of waterfowl and NYC rodents, and his collar rusty from saltwater. Then there would be me, clutching a tethered leash, wearing a sundress and camouflage crocs. Walking completely out of sync, we’d take our lap around, Tidey would end up lifting his leg on $5000 flower display, and then rob some small dog on the sidelines of a squeaky toy. They would cringe and then laugh us all the way home to New Gretna. Finally, I would swear off the show altogether while constructing a blue ribbon out of my own craft supplies and spitefully drinking champagne, straight from the bottle.

So, yeah, I guess I better just stick to being a spectator.

Recipe

Yield: 4 cupcakes

1 lb. ground beef or turkey

1 egg

1/4 c. rolled oats

4 slices of cheese

4 cherry tomatoes

Mix together the ground beef, egg, and rolled oats. Divide into four and press each piece into a section of a cupcake pan. Don’t use cupcake wrappers. Bake at 350 for about 15 minutes. Remove from oven and let cool. Once cool, remove from pan, then use a circle cookie cutter (or the rim of a pint glass) to cut out a circle from each of the cheese slices. Skewer the cheese circle and a cherry tomato on top of each meat cupcake.